You Are Not Owed a Relationship!
When most of the world considers singleness, they consider it fun. They imagine going out with their friends, drinking with no one telling them to stop, flirting, hook-ups, you name it. I mean, it even goes as far as the basic “boomer” memes, joking about the inconveniences of having a husband or wife. However, as Christians, we often view singleness in an extremely different light than modern society does. When we think about singleness, we don’t see much joy in it. Instead, we see loneliness. And although we shouldn’t see singleness in the same type of positive light that the world does (for example, many Christian Tik-Toks say marriage comes with guilt-free sex for the WIN...), we should view singleness as the joy and the growing period God meant it to be.
I was single for over a year until recently. In fact, a chunk of that period of singleness also coincided with quarantine. I was living with three other couples, and although they are some of my very best friends in the world, I look back and wish I had been more thankful and happy for them at the time. Instead, as you can imagine, living with happy couples resulted in me feeling a lot of jealousy, loneliness, and -- I hate to admit it -- pure bitterness. I felt miserable and became resentful that I didn’t have the blessing of dealing with something as difficult as quarantine with a person I was able to call my own. I constantly questioned, “What if I was supposed to meet someone during this? What if I never get a boyfriend now because I’m stuck in my house?”
These nasty, negative emotions lasted the first month or so of quarantine. I thought I was thinking in a Christ-like way, too. I developed a moral compass, decided not to hook up with guys anymore, and stop leaning into promiscuity. It was very difficult though... I felt as if the “good” decisions I was making took all the fun out of being single! Our culture places a pressure on singles, especially Christian singles, to settle down, get married, have kids, etc. And if you’re not there yet, you probably feel miserable, right? I quickly found this mindset to be toxic, eating away at my happiness and joy. My feelings of miserable comparison would never leave me until I was faced with the reality that my worldly relationships will never truly fulfill me, only God can. So, I started a devotional on being single and Christian, and read something that changed my way of thinking.
“You are not owed a relationship.”
Dang. That smacked me in the face. Realizing God does not owe me a relationship, marriage, or a family made me think long and hard about what I valued in life. I always thought, “Someday, when I get married” instead of, “Someday if I get married.” And that scared me. I started realizing if there was a chance that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone, I had to lean into Jesus a whole lot more than I had previously.
I had created a false idol out of the idea of “my future husband”. In my head, I imagined him. I had a checklist of qualities he’d have, dreams he’d want to follow, what our relationship would look like, the whole spiel. Meanwhile, I had no place trying to have that much control over the future of my relationships, romantic or not. God already knows my wants, needs, and desires. He knows the person He has for me, I just had to surrender this idol to Him. I had to believe and trust He would do a work in my heart and in my future partner’s heart, and things would happen in His perfect timing.
Over the next two month of quarantine, I grew. Deeply. I completed multiple devotionals on my own, led a study group over Zoom, attended another study group over Zoom, and was discipled by Brandon Stiffler, the Associate Pastor of my home church, Revelry. I was listening to multiple church messages a week, and that was a normal week. I allowed myself to be a spiritual sponge, because I knew how lonely and broken I felt in my singleness, especially in the midst of quarantine.
I knew I desperately needed Jesus. I sought Him deeply because I wanted Him to reveal Himself more to me, so that I could truly love Him above anything -- and anyone -- else. My heart was transformed in that time, and I finally accepted that Jesus was (and is) the only companion that will ever truly love me unconditionally. Through this realization, I found happiness and peace. Quarantine started to feel like the “norm,” rather than feeling like a terrible curse.
Eventually, the season of singleness and quarantine that seemed like such a terrible curse ended up being a blessing. Once I learned to accept my singleness, appreciate it, and find joy again, I reconnected with an old “friend” from middle and high school -- a boy I had a crush on, on more than a few occasions over the years. As Indiana County transitioned into the “yellow” phase of quarantine, this boy and I hung out again. It didn’t take long for the friendship to turn into a relationship.
So, knowing that, you may think I no longer have any say in writing about singleness. I mean, who wants to hear all of this from someone who got what they wanted? However, the difference is, had I not sought the Lord and His will for my life and my relationships, and had I not gotten rid of the “image” of the man I was supposed to end up with, I would have never given my next relationship a chance. In my head, the boy I was “supposed” to date would already go to my church and go to IUP with me. Rather, the boy I ended up with lived in Pittsburgh, an hour away. Thankfully, he has since moved to Indiana in an apartment down the road from mine, comes to every church service with me, goes to study groups on his own, and loves Jesus just as much as I do. God allowed me to have that time of singleness to grow in a deep relationship with Him in order to prepare me for my next relationship.
Imagine what I would have missed out on had I not let go of my “ideal” man. Imagine what you might be missing out on by not letting go of your “ideal” person. I cannot promise -- if you let go of the preconceived notions of what your relationship status should be -- that your singleness will come to an end. But, I can promise you, by focusing on your relationship with the only Being that knows you and all your junk and still loves you deeply, you will realize He is the only one who can truly fulfill you. Don’t stress yourself out so much about finding the perfect romantic relationship. Maybe the most important and most precious relationship you are missing out on is your relationship with Jesus.
