Don’t Dump Your Friends and Tell Your Family They Suck

I worked in the admissions office for the divinity school I attended, and prospective students often asked me about the most important thing I learned.  One of my professors offered me great wisdom that helped me to answer this question. He said,  “With great power comes great responsibility.” Just kidding. Even though he was talking about the divinity school, this wisdom applies to all of our endeavors as Christians.  It is foundational to everything people do, and central to how we form relationships.  He told me, the point of divinity school -- and life in general -- “is not to fill your head with knowledge and information, but to make you look, think and act more like Jesus when you leave than when you walked in.”

We started a series at UNITED on forming godly relationships in all aspects of our lives, and this wisdom is crucial to our understanding of forming those healthy relationships, whether familial, friendship or romantic. The point of any relationship, at least for Christians, is to make us more like Jesus. Your friendships should make you think more like Jesus, your romantic relationships should make you act more like Jesus, and your familial relationships should make you see the world more like Jesus does.

As a society, we often run into the problem of viewing relationships as an end in itself. Having a happy marriage is the end goal; having a friend who is there for you through the worst is the end goal. The relationship is the goal.

Now, these aren’t unreasonable goals. They are perfectly good goals; however, they are not the end goals.

From a Christian perspective, relationships are just a stepping stone. The end goal is thinking, acting, and ultimately looking more like Christ, and in doing so, our relationships with Christ becomes stronger. The only relationship where the relationship is the end goal is with Jesus. All of our human relationships should only be pointing us more toward Christ.

First, let’s consider marriage.  Throughout Scripture (Matthew 9, Mark 2, Revelation 19 and more), Jesus is referred to as the “bridegroom”, with the church as His bride. It describes this beautiful relationship in which Christ loves the church so much that He is willing to give up everything for the sake of His people, His sons and daughters. He loves us so much that He sacrificed His own life for ours.  So, at the wedding, when you stand at the altar and say, “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part...” and you actually live that out, little by little you start to understand the love Christ has for His people. Marriage allows us to practice and understand the same love Christ has for us.

Family relationships function similarly. There is something about having children (or so I’m told) that reveals to us God’s love for His children. It’s the unconditional love that says, “No matter how many times you mess up in life, I will love you and forgive you.” That’s what families are for -- to create an opportunity to experience the unconditional love of the Father. We are all children of God, and with that comes genuinely unconditional love.

Our human relationships dimly mirror what our relationship with God should be. Marriage isn’t just for companionship, and friendships aren’t just for happiness.  Ultimately, relationships are created to point us to Jesus, and in doing so, make us more like Christ.

However, if a relationship isn’t forming us into more Christ-like people, then the relationship is unhealthy and potentially dangerous. If you find this to be true in your friendships, perhaps you need some new friends.  Maybe it’s true in your marriage, and you may want to consider counseling and other methods to reconcile the covenant.  For families, it may mean you have to sit down and discuss years of toxic behaviors, and confront bad habits instead of avoiding them.

Now, this doesn’t mean you should dump your friends and tell your family they suck. Rather, it’s time for us to start viewing the people with whom we share relationships as God views them: as His beloved children. It also means we need to start treating others as Christ would.  What does the bond between Christ and His Church teach us about how Christ would treat people?  To give your life for others. To show unconditional love as the Father would.  To become united in mind, body, spirit, and soul through the power of His love.

We all have broken relationships. One of our tasks as Christians is to start demonstrating how healthy relationships function. When we understand that human relationships are not the end goal -- and the only end goal relationship is one with Jesus Christ -- we can trust that He is the only one who can truly satisfy and fulfill us.

Relationships are opportunities God has given us to make us more like His Son. To think and act like Jesus.  Opportunities to practice love, patience, forgiveness, compassion, self-control, faithfulness, joy, peace, kindness, and goodness.  If we want to see the world changed, and if we want people to experience healthy relationships that draw us closer to and make us more like Christ, then we need to model this for others.

Luckily for you, one way to practice healthy relationships is by joining a UNITED U-Group.  So, get connected with a U-Group, make some friends, and practice living like Christ!  Our prayer is for you to look more like Jesus at the end of a group than when you started.