Swipe Right on the Right One
As a single Christian man who has not had a successful relationship, it seems odd that I get to talk about dating, but just as Thomas Edison said, "I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that didn't work." And wise people learn from other wise people, so here are things that I have learned about dating and relationships from other godly people that I look up to and that I seek to implement when I begin "talking" to someone.
Let's get some essentials out of the way first. If you haven't listened to last week's sermon by Caleb or read last week's blog, please check those out because fundamentally, as we learned from Nick's message this week, if you aren't satisfied by the One (Jesus), you won't be satisfied in anyone. If you want a healthy relationship, you must be healthy. Now, healthiness is not a product of working harder or being nicer; it comes by developing a relationship and a dependency on the Holy Spirit to create a healthy character in you. If you desire marriage and a family, seek first God's kingdom, and all these things will be added unto you.
Maybe you think you're seeking God first, but you're still wondering, "Where is my husband/wife?" You've missed the point. Seeking Jesus' presence isn't about receiving His blessings. He is the Blessing. He is the promise. God isn't a "do good, receive good" kind of God. He's an "I'm good, and I make good things" kind of God. The more you seek God's presence and listen to His Word, the more you will realize He is what you have been looking for all along.
But let's talk GOALS. What's the goal of dating? Obviously, marriage is the goal, and dating gets messy if that is not the end goal. Here are different pitfalls of having the wrong goals that make dating messy.
Loneliness:
Dating out of fear of loneliness is problematic because it is feeling-oriented. We want someone to be with, someone to look out for us and vice versa. Lonely people often take any relationship that comes their way because they desire a sense of security or belonging. When loneliness drives our decisions, we often end up in unhealthy relationships. Hurting people hurt people, and lonely people are hurting people.
Sexual Gratification:
No one wants to admit they want a relationship for this, but often we start a relationship based on looks. Whether it's a Tinder hookup or a three-year-long relationship going nowhere, a relationship built on sexual gratification leads to several problems. Here is an issue that often occurs. The person looking for gratification grows tired of what they have and ends up looking elsewhere once they get what they want. Their only concern is for their gratification, and it harms their partner. Look, sex outside of the covenant of marriage is messy, and it can cause all sorts of hang-ups in the dating world.
Both loneliness and sexual gratification as reasons for dating at their root have the same issue: selfishness. Selfish dating leads to selfish marriages. When those are your starting points, you aren't looking for another person to enjoy and do life with; you are looking for someone to meet your needs and play a part in your own selfish story. To avoid this, here is the deep truth about dating; regardless of who you date, you are dating a child of God. Someone with profound value. They have just as many dreams and hopes and desires as you, and suddenly you realize, this isn't just your own story anymore. Dating is a story you are writing together, yet, what is even more profound is the story God is writing.
You are God's handiwork, and you were not created to move in and out of such serious relationships that get our hearts all tangled up, broken, then tangled again, then broken again. This is why our singleness is so essential. To avoid those previously mentioned pitfalls, we need to find fulfillment in Jesus. So, be content with where He has placed you.
Now, as we look for a person to share life with, we must look at our own lives. Good, godly character will always seek out good, godly character. If you want to find someone who has great qualities and seeks after the Lord, you need to be someone of high quality that is seeking after the Lord. So, you and Jesus need to have a heart-to-heart to figure out where you need to grow; how you can form a godly character in yourself.
So, what is good, godly character? What does it look like?
1 Corinthians 13:4-13
Love is patient, and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It doesn't rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Galatians 5:22-23
The fruit of living with Jesus is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Romans 12:9-10
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Does your character line up with these passages? If not, you have some work to do. For example, a synonym for patience is longsuffering. Are you willing to suffer for other people's sake? Do you bear with people while they still make mistakes? Do you get jealous of other people easily? Do you brag about your accomplishments as if you are something great? Are you generous, or do you give to receive? Are you gentle in spirit, or are you harsh with your words?
When our character aligns with God’s character, we can truly love others well. When we love well, we honor well. We no longer lead another person on, or play with their heart while we try to figure out who we are or what we want. We no longer look for the other person to fulfill our every desire because we know and believe only Jesus can. When we seek a relationship from a place of godly fulfillment, we naturally reject people who don't align with God’s character. We no longer compromise on our relational values because Jesus gives us all we need and abundantly more.
We now look for someone who is going to honor us. Someone who is longsuffering and patient. Someone who is kind in both word and demeanor, full of grace and joy, who (though they might be selfish) is at least genuinely working on it. This is the character we are aspiring toward and the type of character you should seek as you date. So, if you are heading in this direction and you caught the feels with someone else who is doing the same, then pray about it and go for it.
Remember, always start by ensuring you have found complete fulfillment in The One or you won’t find fulfillment in anyone.
